A Warning to my Co-worker for her Mean Spirited Actions

To thee who tries to bring me down,
woe to you, brave one,
my ferocity shall make you undone

Negative is always a bad thing,
even when pointed away from thee,
excuses, excuses,
thee shall be the one in a bad light

When the deed is done,
and you have gone on,
to your pathetic life,
and your small world,
and I shine on
triumphantly
for my meaning does not lie here,
within useless work and useless tasks,
mundane and angry,
you endure all for nothing,
nothing at all.

Well, I feel better now having used my frustration and upset feelings from the terrible way in which my co-worker chose to try to indite me for my mistakes in a public fashion for an artistic and meaningful poem. I feel better just reading it through and letting my emotions pour out. Yes, I think I am going about this in the right way, leaving her to her misery without any satisfying reaction from me would probably be the most infuriating thing of all to her.

Sadly, I wish I could do bad things to her, but my own conscience will not allow it. But I am doing the right thing about this, at least, by not choosing to think angry thoughts and hope bad things happen to her. Instead, I will allow her own negative actions and thoughts take their toll on her in the slow insidious way in which they seem to work.

Monday is gone, and Tuesday remains with all the nastiness that Monday usually holds, plus Tuesday in there for good measure. A tough day for all, I'm sure.

Uncoiling the Snake

Went to a counselor yesterday for the first time in my life. As I have mentioned I have been struggling with my health for quite some time now. Well, I went to the counselor in the hopes that it will help me deal with the stress and pain of my current health situation, while continuing to participate fully in my life, which includes planning my wedding that is 4 months away.

I didn't come right out and say "I'm a witch" to my counselor, partly because I'm not sure how she would take it, and partly because what I believe doesn't entirely fit into any category that I have found so far, and I don't want her to be confused so I left the W word out of it.

However, I did explain what I believe to her. She was actually quite impressed it seems, not that I care whether she is or not, but she definitely liked what I had to say about it. She appreciated it for the personal responsibility it fosters, as well as the interconnectedness of the human consciousness which she clearly buys into.

She asked me to do something interesting. Actually a couple of them, but here's the first one. She asked me to visualize what my illness would look like if it was out of my body in front of me in the room. I said that I usually think of it as a snake coiled up tightly and moving around itself alot. Also a fist or a hand clenching and moving around inside my gut.

This was interesting because of course what I imagine for it gives clues to it's nature. I liked this approach because it allows my own intuition and senses to create a symbol that best represents this illness for me, giving me greater understanding of it and also ways to think about solving/changing/using to my advantage. A snake as a symbol is definitely fitting I think, as it often feels like I have too much emotional energy, or like I have an imbalance in my energy.

Snakes are associated with the connection between this world and the next in many cultures, and they are also associated with freedom because they cannot be tamed in Hindu mythology. Rebirth, death and mortality are common as well. The shedding of the skin of a snake is symbolic of transformation as well. Given that there are so many interpretations, I think I need to narrow this down a bit, so that I can explore what I may be inadvertently trying to tell myself with my choice of a snake to objectify my illness.

I decided to go with the Naga which is a diety that takes the form of a "very great snake" in both Hinduism and Buddhism. There is apparently some enmity with Garuda, and as such Garuda, once he had finally escaped from his bondage to the Nagas, regarded them as "enemies of food".

There is also a sacrifice rite performed by a king and in relation to a curse from the mother of the snakes. In the story, Astik, a high-souled son born of the sister of the chief of snakes and a high-souled Rishi, regarded all with an even eye. He saved the snakes from total annihilation (a fiery death through the sacrifice), and thus became a savior to all Nagas. I like the Astik figure, and I feel like maybe that is something that I can use.

By practising the Brahmacharya mode of life he conciliated the Rishis; and by begetting offspring he gratified his ancestors. Brahmacharya indicates a lifestyle adopted to enable one to attain the ultimate reality. According to the Yoga Sutras, the end-result or fruit of Brahmacharya practised to perfection is unbounded energy or vitality. Another common usage denotes the life-stage of brahmacharya, within the Vedic ashram system. Brahmacharya ashram is the life-stage that occupies the first 20 or 25 years of life.

I like this. I think I will use this for myself to visualize what I need to happen. So, essentially in the story this person Astik, who is related to the snakes, witnessed the rite to sacrifice all snakes, and through his compassion and devotion to the king, the king says that he will grant any request that Astik asks of him. Astik then requests that the king stop the sacrifice, and the king, because of his promise to grant any request Astik makes, agrees to stop. So, for me, I feel that this translates to me needing to be more like Astik. I am in the stage of my life of learning and need to work towards attaining the ultimate reality. This is something that I have already been seeking, as evidenced by my many musings in this blog!

I feel good about this as a concept for aiding me in conquering my problem too. So I don't need to kill the snake, and in fact I should embrace it. The snake is energy and transformation, so if I go with it instead of fighting, and find a counter-balance to it, I could come out of this. Maybe the "snake" that is behind my sickness is emotionally connected to my empath abilities. I have suspected that but at the same time I just don't even know what in the hell I could do about it even if that were the case so I didn't really consider it an option for a real solution.

Using symbolism to get to the root of it is clearly the way to go here.

Another good idea my counselor mentioned for me was to think of good things about this sickness. I had a hard time at first, as this is not something I even considered previously. To me it is just so horrible that it feels impossible for there to be good in it. But, there is, like anything, two sides of it, and shades in between!

So on to the good things: I eat healthier, I take better care of my body, I get sick less often because I take lots of vitamins. And I am skinny again. These are direct results of this illness. In addition, I thought of ways that this could turn into something extremely good, once it's over. Something that would actually make it worth it to me. When I think about who I am, one of the main things about me that I think of first is my strength and determination. I am just too stubborn to let something like this defeat me. Also I will follow all the requirements given to me by the doctor, either to prove them wrong, or prove them right! So essentially, if there is anyone well equipped to handle this kind of problem, it would be me. So maybe this is a task that I am meant to overcome in order to help others overcome it too! That is something positive that I can think about to steel myself for further tests of my muster later on in this journey.

So, even though when I left the counselor yesterday, I felt like it didn't make me feel better, eventually it did! Hurray. And now I have some good visualization and magical points of reference here to use to help my mind conceptualize what it needs to do. Let the uncoiling begin!

AEttir Year Cast - First Cast on Runecloth!

Well, I have written a couple of posts about my rune cloth which I am embroidering. Well, it's nearly finished, and because Tuesday was the solstice, and an auspicious one at that, I decided it would be a good time to look ahead to the future, and to use my rune cloth for the first time!

Well, it was a bit awkward the way I set it up, so next time I won't do it that way. I was trying to find a good surface for placing the cloth, and I thought that the top of the piano would be good, since I already had some candles lit up there and it could go right in between them. Well, since the piano is next to the wall, of course when I threw my first handful of runes, a bunch of them fell right behind the piano! It was a real pain getting them out too. So that didn't work so well. I need to have lots of space for the runes to fall outside of the cloth, or some sort of wall around the edges to stop them from scattering. So, I either need to do it on the ground or in a box. Hmm well either one would probably be decent, so I'll keep that in mind for next time.

I did make a ton of notes about it and I am still somewhat torn on how I will interpret the meaning. I have a couple of ways I can go. There are sections to the cloth, and so when I tossed runes onto it's surface, whereever they land connects them to a certain aspect of my life, whether it be internal or external. That's the basis of the first division of the space. The outer part of the rune cast surface is the external forces, and there are four different sections for different aspects of it, resistance, encouragement, confusion, and family/friends/clan. The inner circle is divided into 4 parts, and consists of the internal influences, emotions, instincts, logic, and spirituality. Then there is a center, which is considered the "outcome" of the cast.

So, in my cast, I can use those divisions and come up with meanings for the cast for each of the areas, or I can use the relationship between the pictures on the cloth and the runes, and the relationship between the runes themselves. Ideally I would use all of these things. The problem is that there are so many meanings and possible interpretations that I don't know which feels best. I guess I will just have to keep pondering it. On the one hand, the way the runes fell was pretty linear so it could be read as a timeline for the year. Really, it's possible I could read it as a timeline, and then look at each section as being dominated by that section. Or I can separate the two, the timeline reading, and the sections, and then sort of compare and contrast and consider them both seperately. I just don't know, there's too many possibilities.

I decided to let it sit for a little bit and at least sleep on it to get a better idea of what I think I should do. Well, I have been pondering it since then and I'm still not solidified about this. I think I need to read a bit more about the AEttir cast and what the sections are about. Maybe there is more of a fusion possible of these elements than I originally thought! The meanings of the "worlds" which are of course the ways that the cloth is divided may be a good way to get some clarity.

The other thing that I was kinda worried about was that I didn't do a good enough job focusing. But at the same time, it's not goo to over think it either so I'm probably just being insecure. But clearly that trust in myself needs to be solid before I can really jump into the interpretation.

Good thing I have a blog where I can perform self-analysis writing to get to bottom of what I really need to do! Okay, so the cast was good, but now I need to read it with confidence and clarity! At the same time as I felt insecure, I was also scared of what it would say because I'm worried about these tumors I have on my back. I'm scared that I might find out I'm sicker than I thought or I might get sick again or I don't know I'm just worried I guess! At any rate, there were quite a few runes that relate to death in the cast so I can safely say that things aren't just going to remain the same for me that's for sure! There were also some marriage runes too, which is a no brainer considering I'm getting married in 6 months!

The runes will reveal their knowledge all in good time, and I'm not going to rush it! I felt very zen when I did the cast, so I suspect it may be a pretty neat reading once I get it figured!

Empath and Panic Attacks/Anxiety Attacks: Is Magic Making Me Sick?

As I have written in my blog of late, I have been having health problems. Well, lately these problems have actually improved through a combination of medication and strict adherence to a special diet. Digestion aside, I am having problems with anxiety sometimes. It's something that runs in my family, my mother and grandmother both have anxiety problems, and I think it's extremely likely that I do too.

I don't know why I'm even worried about all kinds of things really, since they are not things that really actually affect me. Other than the worry that I do about them. Luckily, I have an amazing logical mind that can think it's way around that kind of stuff, know it, and then use the knowledge to change from worrying about it to marking it down as a concern, making a mental note of it, you could say. And then letting it go.

When I was reading a fantasy novel, (hehe like normal!) the main character, who discovers she's actually a Pixie changeling, was trying to learn how to create things with magic. The kelpie who instructed her told her that the hard part of magic is not visualizing what you want to happen, but actually allowing your energy that you are investing in the task through the visualization leave your body to go do what you intend.

I think this is true, in a magic sense and as applied to my problem of worrying about things that don't really matter. Now, it's kinda funny how I just wrote "and then letting it go" as if this is such a simple task. Well, much like the above explanation, letting go of emotions is every bit as hard as letting go of magical energy. In fact, as far as I can tell it's pretty much exactly the same. Really, emotions are magical energy. Clearly, I'm not someone who needs reminding of that, given my own magical ability to feel the emotions of others. But none the less, it's still something that I struggle with.

I have lately been having the same strange symptoms I had before, in that I have been having panic attack like symptoms, heart racing, nervous, jittery feeling, dizziness and nausea. I'm pretty sure it's a hereditary thing, as my mom has it, and so did my grandmother. I also suspect my mother is herself an empath. I think it's why she ignores people sometimes, and also why she seems to have emotional freak outs from time to time. And it's like I'm feeling what she is giving off, and it's not good, then she feels it off me, then she gets even worse. I really think that she is unaware of her ability, and that is the actual panic attack. Not from her, but from around her. Maybe it's more like she is a sponge, and she soaks up the energies around her, eventually bubbling over into an attack.

Who knows. Anyways, for myself, there are things I can do to help. I can do my self a favor, and lay off the extra energy spent creating problems with worries. The other thing I can do is to talk myself down from it when I do feel that. The other question though, is what to do when it feels like it's not even coming from me. Being an empath complicates it because I actually get more affected by other people's emotions than my own often times, because I never get as upset about things for myself as the emotions I feel from others. When I do get that upset, of course my emotions are stronger than others, but the vast majority of the time I'm feeling fine. While I was sick, I was feeling my own stuff. Now that I'm feeling better, I'm having problems with this again, lol. Maybe it was just so much of my own before there was no room for more from others!

Well anyways, the point is that I can separate from it if it's coming from outside of me. I feel like it is, because even if the emotion originates from my brain somewhere, it's not actually coming from me. I mean, it shouldn't be tuned to a hair trigger here. That's not how things are supposed to be. So if I'm like a sponge for emotional energy, what I need to do is learn to either use the energy and continue it's flow out of me, or block it from coming in.

Now, that's interesting. Blocking is all well and good, but how do you solve the problem if you've already accumulated it inside you? There needs to be a balance there, and it's natural to think of the movement of energy that way. Okay, so one thing that helps is to expend massive normal energy (aka exercise), so in essence some of the energy you put out is bound to be the excess emotional energy. This is how I envision it works, as this is how exercise for the body versus the mind works, they end up crossing over and becoming a mix of both. Creating something, even not magically, but like painting something or drawing something, or playing music. These things indirectly help expend it. But, again, there is a way more efficient way to do it.

Brain exercise for example, is a direct way to improve something that is not working in our natural mental skill set. Clearly I'm not meant to burn out my nervous system in this way emotionally, so there is something that I should be doing to expend this energy, something I was made to do. Well, here it is more than clear to me that I am meant to use this energy, and by not using it, I end up with an overflow.

Now I must take away from this contemplation the fact that I am not only meant to use my magic, but I in fact need to use it. Using it, just for anything at all, will help me. Using my emotions to create something else directly through their application in a spell, now there is something that may even become a cure to all of my current health problems. One could argue that part or maybe even all of my IBS is caused by emotions making my gut react to every little thing.

So I am equipped to transmit this energy, if it's coming in, it can go out, that's just a fact. So being an empath itself, while maybe makes my need to deal with emotions more immediate, I still think I would still have to figure out how to deal with emotional stress anyway. The combination of my natural predisposition towards anxiety stress responses and my ability to feel the emotions of others just gives me no choice but to find a way to deal with emotional overflow before it literally kills me. And I can see now that really the two things are linked in that I have both the ability and the need for magical release of emotional energy, and I have a ready to use seemingly limitless supply of more emotion that I absorb from others.

Well, now that I understand this, I can at the very least test my theory. I shall begin as soon as I think of a spell that is needed, or that I want to do. Also I suppose I should be figuring out how to release the energy in a spell. This I will have to explore and ponder a bit, and I will report back with what I have figured out.

Bonfire Weekend

Well, I'm the type of person who really relates well to fire. So, I'm understandably excited about going up to our cabin this weekend and making a huge bonfire with all the random branches and trees we've had fall down or pruned this year on our property. It's so neat when you get a big fire going, and with the acoustics in our meadow the crackling noises of the fire echo up the canyons. It feels pretty clear to me that the power of the fire is gathering elemental power from the air around it, and in that canyon, the convergence of it must be pretty strong.

At any rate, it will be awesome for sure this weekend when we have one. If I'm not mistaken, I believe that it's also a full moon! Indeed, today it is a full moon! Too bad it's probably going to be cloudy and rainy though. Hmm. Maybe the clouds will part up there for an "ah!" moment with the moon lighting the meadow as the embers burn down on the fire. Mhmmm I can hardly wait!

Happy full moon everyone!

~And blessed are thee who dance under the moon with me~

Update: Rune Cloth

Well, I have been working on my rune cloth a lot lately, and it's really looking great! I have most of the outlining done for the symbolic representations of the different sections of the cloth that are connected to the worlds of Norse mythology, the worlds supported on different levels of the world tree, Yggdrasil. I am pretty sure I've totally butchered the spelling there, but if you're familiar with the worlds I'm talking about, you get the idea.

At any rate, the symbolic divisions of the space make for a really detailed rune cast! I am excited to test it out soon. The thing is, I intend to work on this thing for years, making it into a masterpiece of magical and artistic creativity. What could be better than that for connecting with the great mystery, the spirits, the gods, whatever you want to call it, that divine entity outside of yourself that can see the nature of all things. That connection is definitely fueled by the mind, so by connecting my logic (my thoughts/question that I hold in my mind while casting) and my creativity through the cloth and the runes, I can devote my whole mind, my whole spirit to the connection.

I am ready to at least test the cloth out soon though, as the basic ideas behind the divisions of the space are represented well now both in my mind and on the cloth. It helps that I made it myself, since I have a really good understanding of the meaning of each because I had to think of something I can sew that represents that section, and then after thinking of it, I had to actually sew it. Due to the time invested, it's pretty much cemented the meaning of each for me.

I will edit this post to add pics once I get a chance, I mostly write in my blog at work so I don't have the cloth handy to take a picture!

The rune cast I do will probably first just be a general cast to get acquainted, and it's fun to see what the runes tell you when you don't focus on a specific topic, especially when you are able to delve into such detail due to the many things that will be taken into account in the cast. Obviously, the section where a rune lands will be connected, the orientation of the rune, and it's relationship with the other runes! Yep, it's a lot to interpret, but I think the more I do it the better I will be at it. I suspect I may still use the simpler casts from time to time, but this type of rune casting will be preferable since hopefully this cloth will increase my precision and therefore increase my understanding of the messages I receive. I'm excited, this should be great, I'll post about my cast after.

Time: Another of Life's Questions

I often think about time, and what I think it is defined by, what makes it tick, literally. The thing is, time is really just us marking down the movement of objects in space, and applying all these lines of measurement to it. It's really funny measurements too, they aren't even at all, for example, the number of days in a year is actually an estimate, and to keep it from getting too off they created the leap years!

So I guess that's the first thing about time I want to discuss. The whys and hows of the measurement process are not all that important, though it is a funny thing about our current system for time. What is important to understand is that time is an invention of the minds of humans, as a way to mark the movement of our planet around the sun, and the events of our lives on the earth while it does so. Really it just gives us a frame of reference for that unknowable constant, the present, and it's relationship to the past and future.

The present itself is a bit hard to conceptualize as well. The moment that it is, is just that, and it is gone before you can even think of it as being the present. It's nothing but a marker for the precise moment that divides the past from the future. Really, it defies our ability to define it, and you could argue that it's nothing at all.

You may be wondering then, what time is, if the present is nothing but a marker for the division between the past and the future. Well, I feel like time is bound both by the earth itself, and by our minds. In other words, time did not come to be until we defined it, and through our definition of it, we have bound it to the movement of our planet as well. If you think about it, we have one day for one revolution of the earth, one year for one revolution of the earth around the sun. In the past we also had the months divided by the moon cycles, though now it's a bit more loosely based on that. This means that if humans were on another planet, even in this solar system, their time would be different. I think that if we do end up with multiple planets with human civilizations, we will need to revise this. It's crazy to try to keep track of the minutes and hours and days when you are on a planet that doesn't match up that way, it would get way too confusing. I believe that time has to be bound to the terrestrial home of the intelligent being that is keeping track of it, because this is part of how it is defined for us. Either how we define it or standardize it will need to change, or our understanding as a whole does. Though going to in depth into that is not really important as that hasn't happened yet.

One part about time that is important to define is the future, the unknowable void towards which we are always heading, to the end of time. There is some prediction possible for the future, but there are so many variables that the further from the present you get, the less likely you are to be correct in your prediction. But with divination, the view into time is different than coming up with a prediction based on the likelihood of an event. Divination is using a medium to contact the spirits or energy, however you define it, that exist outside of time and outside of what we know of the physical world. The information about the future that you get through divination is guided by your use of the medium, and your interpretation of the answers given. More than that though it is guided by the energies that come into play. The future seems to be veiled from us, but really it is there all along, and often times will come to pass just as it seems it will. The times when it does not are the important times. When things don't go as expected, that is when you can see the changeable nature of existence, and the amazing adaptability of all life forms.

The past to me is very important, but in the concept of the meaning of time, it's simply memories. Memories written down, or recalled in our own minds. Memories that are passed down in cultures or families. The fact is that the past is only what we remember of it. It's different for everyone, and often times inaccurate.

Time, as a concept is like I said, our invention, the lines we are marking out to keep track of ourselves. In other words, it's our perception of it, in a measurable form. If you allow time to branch out in it's meaning you can think about the perception of it, outside it's measurable (numeric) form. I'm sure most everyone can agree that a period of time can seem longer or shorter than the clock says it is. Sometimes just a few moments can seem like hours, and vice versa.

In using magic to manipulate time, generally I feel like the only part of time that I have been successful in manipulating is the perception of time. I can make the perception of time for myself and sometimes others I am with change, either to seem like more or less time than it really is. Sometimes when I am late I will imagine a clock moving less slowly, but I find it hard to effectively do. I usually would try imagining whatever clock it is that I need to slow, like my supervisor's clock on his computer, or the clock for the receptionist, depending of course on what I am late to. I don't really feel like that type of time manipulation has actually worked for me. The other way that I try to manipulate time in a more indirect manner is through fixing in my mind the need for me to get quickly through obstacles, and that has worked before. Like, having all the traffic lights green, or a car moving out of the way, that type of thing. I think it could also work better to cause a person to mistake the time they see, or to not check what time it is, or not care.

One bit of warning: when I have manipulated time and it had a dramatic effect, I also seemed to have some consequences for my success. Time seems to need a balance, so if you slow time down, you should account for time to speed up again and if you don't want it to do that at a certain point, you should probably assign the balance as well, so if you were slowing time down to get to work, you would want to allow time to speed up to balance itself out afterwards. Otherwise, time might speed up before, meaning you are still late! Or, if you were making something last longer, like a special weekend or trip, you need to account for the time that will be speeding up. So, to make sure that you avoid some twist of time coming back to bite you, account for the opposite of what you intend to accomplish in your spell too. 

To sum this all up, I think time is something that is unchangeable, but the perception of that constant, and the manipulation of the people and things that exist in a certain time and place make it possible to change time with magic, but be wary of the balance needed to accomplish time manipulation.